• The Legend

    This secret society was once one of the most celebrated fraternities of ancient times. Heads of state and high muck-a-mucks once were counted amongst its ranks. At the height of its popularity it suddenly vanished like the sands across a desert. Or did it?

    Like whispers in catacombs, The Order of The Golden Fez still resonates with those who count themselves amongst the brethren. In hushed tones in secret meetings, camaraderie is enjoyed and libations are hoisted to the chant of “corvus oculum corvi non eruit!”

  • Degree Ascension

    In these fast-moving times, there are those who wish to squash the will of the individual, nay, even the will of all of us. Ancient rituals of old are cast aside in favor of watered-down commonality to the point of shear blandness. The Order of the Golden Fez is here to take a stand against homogenization and believes these new traits must be unlearned. We are here to preserve bad jokes and poor choices. We are here to continue the tradition of regrettable faux pas and spontaneous eye-rolling. Wit that is shot from the hip and never questioned is a mindset we embrace. But take heed and do not use this journey to inflict harm, but to add style and hilarity, for we are a benevolent group!

    Brethren are initiated at the lowest level of the 1st Degree - Sōbrius - and can continue their path to unenlighteness to the 10th Degree - 33 1/3 Weisenheimer. The path is long and winding, encountering many stops at area watering holes and dens of inebriation and fraternization, whilst expanding their minds in both spirit, and spirits.

    To aid you in your journey, The Order of the Golden Fez offers has created our patented 10 Step Program to help you reach Total Unenlightenment.

  • The Smoking Baboon

    The mythical Smoking Baboon is the official mascot of the Order of the Golden Fez. This majestic creature can be frequently spotted in dimly-lit booths in the back corners of the most famous liquid emporiums and social halls, the glow of his favorite brand of smokes announcing his presence. Do not be mistaken by his quiet demeanor and social graces, as “Puff Daddy,” (as he his fondly referred to by his closest confidants) can quickly cut you down with a witty comment or quip. He rarely shows his fangs, but his words can bite much deeper.

  • Degree Ascension

    1st Degree - Sōbrius
    2nd Degree - Quod Guido
    3rd Degree - Socium Bibens
    4th Degree - Spirits of Enlightenment
    5th Degree - Consort of Frivolity
    6th Degree - Mystik Mirth Maker
    7th Degree - Master of Jocularity
    8th Degree - High Spirits Tippler
    9th Degree - Caste of El Kablam!
    10th Degree - 33 1/3 Weisenheimer

  • The Ten Tenable Tenets

    1. Insanity is contagious.
    2. Nothing is more pleasant than to baffle people.
    3. Force yourself to contradict yourself in order to avoid conforming to your own taste.
    4. May your position be the lack of a position, but, of course, do not talk about it; as the 
    5. minute you talk, you spoil the whole game.
    6. When a problem comes along, you must whip it.
    7. Time is precious, waste it wisely.
    8. Yes, we’ll have another round.
    9. I resemble that remark.
    10. Something, something EXCELSIOR!
    11. Be sure to tip your waiters, waitresses and bartenders.

  • 1st Degree - Sōbrius

    As the saying goes, you have to start somewhere. So, this is it. The bottom of the barrel, the lowest rung on the ladder, the mail room guy. We’ve all been there and couldn’t wait to leave. However, this is a where, you, as a person of great foresight and with a bit of fortitude and drive, have realized that you can make something of yourself. But, you are also a person wary of herd mentality and the Borg and do not wish to be assimilated into a higher consciousness, but instead opt for a higher degree of unconsciousness. We who about to tipple salute you!

  • 2nd Degree - Quod Guido

    Inevitably as you navigate the path of unenlightenment, you will have a tendency to commit social atrocities or even a humorous faux pas. At one point in our collective journey we have all been at one point in time or another , “Quod Guido.” There’s one at every party and occasionally that is you. Do not fret! With the proper guidance and a the benefit of self-awareness, you will quickly ascend and leave behind this second phase of your path within the Order.

  • 3rd Degree - Socium Bibens

    Now that you, as a person of higher learning and libatious pedigree have successfully transcended your earlier transgressions, you have now joined the ranks of the Socium Bibens. Here, fellowship and many, many, many glasses of fortitude enter your social being. But do not despair! You have acquired the grace and self-control (well, maybe) of your futureiself and now can stand proudly and endure entire evenings of hijinxs and low pranks. But also beware and the next day arrives quicker than the cock can crow!

  • 4th Degree - Spirits of Enlightenment

    Now that you approach the mid-point of this road you have chosen, an air of enlightenment, a bit of knowledge, a certain je ne sais quoi has become your aura. People take note when you enter a room, they whisper in awe of your confidence and wit, your endless reciting of bad puns, one-liners and “dad jokes.” You are a font of trivia and useless insight into issues that only one of your statue can be concerned with. Those not of the Order will find this annoying, yet intriguing in ways they can never fully comprehend. This puts you, our dear Brethren, at a distinct advantage, but do not look down upon these other poor souls, for they have yet to seek unenlightenment!

  • 5th Degree - Consort of Frivolity

    With your newly acquired skills and a dash of debonaire vis a vis the 4th Degree, you are now a much sought after confidant, a weekend escort - dare we say “gigolo” or “gigolette.” Your charm and grace under fire (or possibly from an excess of cocktails) is unmatched in this century as you keep your cool head and razor sharp wits about you in any social occasion, be it a late-night soirée, mid-day brunch, afternoon garden party of your neighbor’s much-dreaded “cookout.” No matter where you go, there you are, and everyone is much happier for it.

  • 6th Degree - Mystik Mirth Maker

    Along with that distinguished sense of style that has become one with you, with your soul and with your mind in this, the most solemn journeys of unenlightenment, you have become known in some circles as a sort of shaman, a master of all things, a Jedi who not only embraces the intrinsic and mundane but also that of mirth and mayhem. From lamp shade hats to Whoopi cushions, humor has no boundaries and neither friend nor foe can escape your wry jokes and cajoling!

  • 7th Degree - Master of Jocularity

    In a step towards refinement, you have discarded that tired lamp-shade-as-hat joke and the Master of Jocularity, you have now taken that keen canon of jokes and humor to the next level. Now you regale tales of intrigue and adventure, interjecting the most subtle of anecdotes that bring a smile, a chuckle, an occasional chortle and snort to any gathering. Men and women not of our fine Order, envy your ability to captivate the masses about your trip to the Serengeti or how you mowed your lawn just last week. It’s not what you say but how you say, even if you don’t utter a word.

  • 8th Degree - High Spirits Tippler

    As we all know, practice make perfect, or too much of a good thing leads to built-in resiliency, or something like that. Excuse me if I’m a bit stammering here as I have achieved the coveted 8th Degree o the High Spirits Tippler! With this high level degree, you too can throw ‘em back like Dean and Frank on a busy night, talking as smooth as a sailor without nary a word slurred. This feat firmly cements your place in the pantheon of high stakes Tipplers worldwide.

  • 9th Degree - Caste of El Kablam!

    Within our fine Order is an even more secretive, boisterous (in a good way) group of shenanigan-inducing cretins hereby deemed the Caste of El Kablam! The life of the party is their calling and answer the call they do. From showing up unannounced at bar mitzvahs and funerals alike, these ne’er-do-wells mean no harm in the hopes of raising everyone’s spirits - both mentally and in liquid form. Their aim is to keep the soul and quench the thirst, and their aim is true!

  • 10th Degree - 33 1/3 Weisenheimer

    Some people say all good things must come to an end yet with our 10th and final Degree, you have merely begun your transformation to all unenlightenment! You have now gained the unknowledge and hutxpah to be your own self, even within this unparalleled Order. Your swagger, your social skills and finesses, and total disregard for convention put you at a great advantage. You are now equipped to face the mundane existence of the hoi polloi with the strength and conviction to rise above all that wishes to squash the essence of life and libation. Fear not, as you are amongst the revered in the Order of the Golden Fez!

  • Temple Master

    Are you the Master of your own Temple? Are you a faithful brethren of The Order? Well? Are You?

  • The Order of The Golden Fez Fez

    As we, the fine brethren of this Order, wish to be conspicuously inconspicuous, our official headdress is in fact, NOT gold. That would just be too obvious and just plain silly. Those wishing to don this fine chapeau, can order one directly from the fez-maker to the gods, Fez-o-Rama.